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Just Stop The Puck

January 14, 2010

Goalies are removed from reality.

"Something in French-Canadian."

I’ve never tried to hide the fact that I don’t know much of anything about goaltending except that they’re always weird and they say dumb stuff and they always have an unsettling association with exotic pets. They also take up too much space in the dressing room. In college I sat in a corner stall. I was a rookie and thought that I lucked out big time until our first practice and I discovered I had to wait to get totally dressed because the 260 pounder beside me needed to tie his skates and the goalie on the other side needed to kick his feet up to his side to do up his pads. It was awful. The goalie was my bestest bud on the team, but man it creeped me out when he asked me to put my finger on the tensor bandage wrapped around his groin so he could pin it up. “Why do you wrap your groin up with a tensor bandage man?” “I don’t know, just kinda started doing it. Do you want to come over and see my pet racoon?”

These days goalies are either Mathieu Garon or Dwayne Roloson for me. Athletic and quick or solid in their positioning. Garon would always stretch across the crease or push himself out of position, while Roloson was always square to the shooter, just sometimes not quite quick enough because his bones were created during the big bang. True story. Jeff Drouin-Deslayspotatochips seems to be real agile and strong, but he’s always out of position.

This disappoints me. As Oilers fans we deserve to watch someone develop into the position of a bonafide NHL’er. I figured Des-whatever was a solid candidate, but he’s sure tossing a giant opportunity away. Devan Dubnyk played very well in relief against Nashville, which is also a great opportunity for the giant man-child. Perhaps this will go a long way toward letting us know who might be the back-up goalie of the future. Back-up you ask? Sure, my theory is that Khabibulin misses the rest of this year because his bones were created when Saturn’s rings formed, but getting healthy in a couple of years and playing strong because his contract is about to expire sure seems like a strong possibility, and if the french guy or man-child can push him for the starter’s job, then our desire to watch the most important position in hockey solve itself could be satisfied.

To summarize, I still know nothing about goalies, and I think that’s been made pretty apparent by this post. I’ll be whatever I wanna do.

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