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Watching the Oilers and Coaching

December 28, 2009

Have fun careers, Stortini and Brodziak!

My team was in a tournament at the University of Alberta this past weekend, and was it ever brutal. (Through the magic of typed words, the reader shall be able to tell that the previous statement was just that: a statement, as opposed to a question, i.e. “and was it ever brutal?” Thus, the reader is informed that the weekend tournament was indeed brutal, and that this fact is not open for debate.)

Bad players playing badly, no effort, good players crushing themselves because of a few bad passes, shaky goalies and coaches at the end of their respective leashes. I love coaching, but not when a kid constantly makes excuses and completely tunes you out no matter what you’re saying, whether you’re filling him in on how you know how little his puppy weighs because you kicked it into the street before the game, or you’re telling him that you just switched religions and he is the new god. No, this kid hates you, himself, and everything else in the world except Lady Gaga. Figures. Know what she has, kid?

I did come to one positive conclusion this weekend. My family had christmas on boxing day, and I realized that I’m hilarious. How did I realize this? Why, through another realization: I don’t know how to shuffle cards, and I’ll take that lack of knowledge to my cold, lonely grave.

Let me explain: we like to play card games at christmas-time; poker, crib, and the latest hit is rumoli. It’s pretty fun, and whenever I’m the dealer I either ask a sister to shuffle the deck for me, or I take a half hour each time, or I just drop everyone’s cards in their lap. More than one rum and eggnog has been ruined because of a plasticky attack of aces and clubs. I refuse to learn because consternation in others is funny to me. In all actuallity (ALL of it, everywhere), everyone else thinks it’s funny too, even though they all act like they’re lighting their eyes on fire due to frustration. I’ve also always been good at Trivial Pursuit, like the time I guessed Bib Fortuna or when I called out Shirley Temple even though it wasn’t my team’s turn. To this day I yell out Bib Fortuna! or Shirley Temple! and everyone laughs. Everyone. So these days I don’t shuffle the cards because for me and my family, it’s a way to hold onto the past, like when Bill Guerin played for the Oilers.

Why does this sound familiar? I think the Edmonton Oilers fancy themselves quite the christmas jack-asses. They refuse to learn how to do something as well: play the hockey-game, because it must be hilarious when they get in the dressing room. “Tom, that was hilarious when you threw the puck into the slot instead of just chopping it off the glass. I’m happy. People appreciate sarcasm.” “Thanks Devan.”

So, in closing, how come every hockey player in the city these days that I have to watch keeps playing the same hilarious jokes that I pull during christmas fun-times? Get your own endearing routines, losers!

My mom says I’m hilarious.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. December 29, 2009 5:35 pm

    Good article; digging the new WP theme too. IT LOOKS LIKE A NEWSPAPER ON THE INNERNET

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