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Pay me to coach hockey, please

December 7, 2009
I wrote this a few months ago while I was in the midst of my post-university job search. For those of you that are in the know, looking for a job BLOWS. Especially when your only real tangible skill is yelling at kids to make them do what you want. Turns out I’m actually pretty good at that, and thus I did end up finding a job on the ice. Anyway, I wrote this right after I watched the Oilers play the Florida Panthers in a pre-season game, which happens a lot when compared with how many times they play in the regular season.

Himelfarb? More like Himel-Suck!
I went to a hockey game last night where the slogan they were using to attract a crowd was “Watch someone else fight for their job for a change.” At first it seemed really effective, even funny. It was a pre-season game so there were lots of players who were trying to make the cut. But then I thought of how I’ve been trying to get someone to give me money in exchange for my expert services for almost a month, and how for some reason these special services just didn’t seem to match up in the real world once you’re done university, and I wanted to climb out of my seat and throttle the lady beside me wearing a pantsuit. Don’t you know bitch!? Finding a job is hard! Morans.

The job search, however, has given me a lot of clarity, time to think, and what I think is that I have a lot of rage, but it’s probably the best part of me, so let me impart: Finding a job sucks, but I have some very important techniques related to the search. Everyone seems to have brilliant ideas about how to find that special company to climb into bed with, but I have the key. The following tidbits of super-expertism explain how to ensure you WON’T get the job. Here’s 5 sure-fire methods, as tested by me (testing is ongoing):

1. Be unbelievably over-qualified for the position you seek. Employers hate this because they don’t like people to be around that are going to kick total ass at their new jobs. If you’ve got eight years of experience doing something that’s actually harder than what they have planned for you, then who are they going to bitch and moan to when something doesn’t go right? There’s no mirrors in corporate bathrooms.

One time I knew a guy applying for a job that required him to have experience in education and safety (guy was kind of a fem). He had an education degree and worked at a company creating safety manuals, and the job he applied for not only didn’t contact him for an interview, they re-posted the job. Haha! What a loser, I’d hate to be that pathetic.

2. Answer every question so fully that there’s no room for a retort. When you know exactly what’s up and you can answer everything with clarity and intelligence then your potential employer will get scared because they don’t smell fear. How will they roll their eyes when all of a sudden you’re staring right into them instead of looking up at their feet from far below the massive pedestal they’re standing on?

3. Wear shorts to the interview.

Ok, it was seriously the hottest day of the year.

4. Refrain from beating up a kid in the parking lot. I was driving to an interview and some kid was walking down the sidewalk with a New York Yankees cap perched high on the top of his head (backwards) ever so carefully (and kind of sidewards) and he had no shirt on and he was strolling along without a care in the world all smug-like and he was holding a coffee. How did this brat afford his double-double when he has nothing better to do at ten in the morning on a Tuesday than strut around mocking degree holders like myself? Did he just come from the youth shelter I’m (s)interviewing at? Wait, did he get the job? Give me your money punk! I am now not above robbing the youth!

But I did refrain, so the point is, to get the job I probably should’ve cracked this guy with my size 7 pancake shoes, then the employers would see my passion for getting ahead in life.

5. Apply for a billion jobs. Companies all have contracts with the government and/or the devil so they all know what you’ve applied for and how many times you’ve recycled your cover letters. If you actually want work then you’re better off to just apply to one job that you really want that will make you way more money than you ever have before.

In short, use your rage, do everything wrong, and you’ll probably not end up sweeping floors or driving your boss’ kid to daycare because you think that will impress them enough to say “Decent job, guy.”

So Happy

Like I said, I found a pretty decent gig coaching and running hockey programs, but it sure is funny now to look back at the despair that was my life for a few months. It’s all uphill from here, right Himel-Farb? Right.
Himelfarb. Himelfarb.

Go Oilers!

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